Detailed Molestation Account. Will be a rough read, as it is very difficult to type.
The sexual abuse became my normal, not something to really talk about, like I wouldn’t talk about the bath I took, its private. I didn’t know that it wasn’t normal. As I got older, I became more defiant, and I will talk about that later.
My dad would peak in on me when I bathed or showered. I wasn’t allowed to lock the bathroom door; I was expected to expect him to come in while I’m showering almost every single time. I had no control over anything, I would shower at least twice a day, sometimes more. I even brushed my teeth at least three times a day, vigorously. I had to be CLEAN! He was more aggressive with his approach shortly after I hit puberty. He’d take polaroids of me nude, and in the shower; or “displayed” on his bed. He even got mad at me one time because I looked to uninterested…
While I would be taking a shower he would peek in and grab me and feel me nude. He requested several times that I touch myself, as he took pictures. He mentioned that he would send them to someone, and actually bribed me and got me to trust him to send it to just one person. I really don’t know if he did or not. I never got any weird vibes.
He would beg and beg and talk me into doing things. He would show himself to me, and want me to touch him while I’m in the shower… I just wanted privacy, but I found out the hard way, the quicker I complied, the less angry and aggressive he was. That would be the mental manipulation.
If he didn’t see me while I was in the shower, he would wait until I was done and changing, and he would rub his bare self on my bare back end, {I pray y’all are following, because it is very difficult to type the exact words… Guide me Jesus}. He would push to lean me over the bathroom sink and want me to watch in the mirror. I couldn’t and would just close my eyes until he finished and was satisfied.
He would even force oral on me directly after a shower. Then, I’d have to get a ridiculously hot shower, and feel so ashamed, and dirty because I couldn’t control my body.
At around twelve years old is when this is taking place. My sister and I shared a small bedroom barely big enough for two bunk beds to fit, but we had one. She had the bottom bunk, and I had the top bunk (Lord Jesus calm my spirit, don’t let me go back there only to type this God, please be with me). He would come in, late at night, sometimes waking me up as I was always a light sleeper. He would know if I was pretending to be asleep.
Graphic Detail
He would put his hand over my mouth to keep me quiet while his other hand went under my blanket, as he forced me to orgasm. I would tell him no, shake my head… I would fight it so bad, that it was a violent orgasm, and he’d keeping going and force another one. He would then laugh and be “shocked at how much I must have liked it” because of how I reacted.
I hated my body for betraying me. I felt so disgusting. Even now, I feel nauseous, but thank you Lord for keeping me grounded in the present.
I will sometimes have these flashbacks, or nightmares like I’m there all over again. I know I’m safe, and I trust that God has my mind at ease for this.
It became routine, that since I was the first one home from school, that I had to wake my dad up for work. He had done night shift security. He worked security at a juvenile hall, hospital, hotel… So, after school I was expected to strip, and lay in bed with him, and wake him up. I would be required to sexually please him, whatever he requested that day… usually just my hand; sometimes on top of him. And then he would molest me.
Several times he would have me lay on my stomach, with him on top of me, rubbing himself against me, almost penetrating… I had a pregnancy scare at fourteen, because I would go months without a period. I wasn’t, thank you Jesus! While he was doing this, he would pull my ponytail, so my throat was exposed, and he’d hold my throat from behind. My dad was six foot two, three hundred pounds at the time…I was more afraid of denying him…
Lord, I know this is not my fault, Father God, take the shame that is trying to creep in, I was a victim, I am a survivor, Jesus, keep me.
Digital Penetration, oral, no matter how much I tried to fight it, my body betrayed me every time. I tried so hard to mentally fight it. There was a point in time when I started to disassociate with what was happening. I would think about other things, focus in one particular spot in the room and mentally disappear.
I need to stop for tonight. I need to rest. Thank you for reading.
Jesus, let my sleep be sweet and restful tonight. ~Amen