We were living with my dad’s then girlfriend. It was a lovely house; I enjoyed the time I did spend there because I have fond memories. It is the only location I haven’t been back to since being an adult… It backed up to a nice, wooded area and it had a nice yard we could run in. I’d be outside almost all day exploring the woods or climbing trees. Even learning how to garden and landscape from my dad. We had turkeys in a fenced in area. We always had dogs. We even had rabbits until they died during a thunderstorm. We would play in the basement, and I remember being allowed to play the classic solitaire on the computer sometimes. (Mid to late 1990’s). I had a huge book collection. I loved reading so much; it would be taken from me as punishment.
It was my dad, DB, my younger sister and eventually my two younger brothers would come along. I remember the house in great detail, in fact I still remember the address. Inside, my sister and I shared what would be known today as a loft, she had one side, and I had the other. My bedroom window sat just above the peak of the garage, and it was a lovely place to “escape” to in the middle of the night. I’d climb out my window and just watch the sky, the stars were always magnificent to me. I wanted to be where they were… I even imagined jumping off the roof and instantly sprouting wings to fly away.
This is where things would become habitual. At least the physical abuse. This is where I believed things started, and that it was DB who started the abuse. She was more physically violent towards my sister and I then sexually abusive. Though she did participate. I remember, I used to keep my hair long, about waist length, and I always wore it in a ponytail. One time, she felt I disrespected her because I was walking away from her (I was maybe about eight years old). She grabbed my ponytail, wrapped it around her hand, and yanked my neck. My dad came to my defense, and I remember they argued bad about it.
She had no right to discipline me, according to my dad, I was HIS child… they would often get into arguments and physical altercations. A coffee pot was thrown across the kitchen and broke everywhere. I thought this woman was crazy, because she would instigate the argument, and then when my dad got angry, she’d threaten to call the cops and played victim. She was a master manipulator and I think that’s why they always butted heads.
She made it known that she didn’t like my sister especially, she was so mean to her, that is her own story to tell… (I love you so much!)
When DB was pregnant with my first born (younger) brother; we’ll call him Bub; she would constantly threaten to throw herself down the stairs. If ever my dad and her got into an argument, that’s what it would result in. Threats of self-harm and killing the baby. After he was born, he was only a few months old. DB and dad got into another argument, and she stormed out of the house. She was carrying him in a football hold, headfirst, and when she forced the screen door open, it flew back, and hit my brother in the head. He had to go to the hospital and get stitches… he still has the scar.
We would get a lot of field mice inside the house. It never really caused any health problems; I mean we did live in a “country” area. As Bub became of crawling age, (we’re still under ten years old at this time) I remember seeing rat poison and gummy bears on a paper plate, underneath the kitchen table, easily accessible. I told my dad, because Bub would try to eat it, and I would take it off of him. When he asked DB why there was rat poison on the floor, she said, “I’m trying to get rid of the pests” and looked at us. She was talking about getting rid of us kids.
Several occasions, I remember my dad would work really late. He was doing hotel security. On the nights he came home early, he’d bring home leftovers from any hotel functions that were happening. The reason for my disdain for chicken cordon bleu. Gross! Other nights DB wouldn’t make us dinner, and I was usually home alone with my younger sister and brother. My sister and I are thirteen months apart and I was seven when my brother was born. DB did do some things fun with us when she was in a good mood. For example, there was a point in time when she wanted and allowed us to call her “mom”. It never felt right to me and when she got angry at my dad, she would take it out on my sister and I and yell at us not to call her “mom” and that we weren’t worth having a mother, we weren’t her children. A few times she took us to her job, and it was cool because she cleaned offices, and it was just us.
DB would lock the fridge door and cabinets with chain and padlocks. We weren’t allowed to have food without permission. I would try to sneak some small things for my siblings sometimes, but then she’d catch on. Everything was locked up, even the milk level was marked on the jug to make sure we didn’t drink it. The funny thing is, I remember CPS coming to the house to talk to my sister and I, and the cabinets were locked. When asked about it my dad said something about us sleepwalking or trying to watch what we eat. CPS, as many times as they were present throughout my childhood, never did do anything. Even when the police were called for noise complaints by neighbors, because my dad new the police and was good friends with them, they just let things go. No one knew what happened behind closed doors. For some reason, I had an unhealthy fear of police and female authorities.
Anyway, back to the food stuff. DB made me some Cup ‘a Noodles and it looked like there was rice in it. I wasn’t sure, but it tasted different, and I asked her about it, and she said it was rice… I asked my dad, and he immediately took the noodles and threw them away. DB had made me a cup of soup with maggots in it. She didn’t feel bad about it at all. Surprisingly, I am okay with eating white rice now… however maggots are a no go for me!
Several times DB would lock my sister and I out of the house, or she’d lock me in the basement. When she locked my sister out of the house, I joined her, and we stayed in the garage. We were in there for so long that we were hungry. I looked for “good” food in the garbage bins we kept in there, and that’s what we ate. When I was locked in the basement, I’d eat from the dog food bag we kept down there. The sad thing is, and this was a shocker to me when I found out, some of my family members that I grew up with knew this was going on. My mom told me (after I reunited) she received a phone call that said we were eating from the garbage. We were being starved. My mom had no access to us and couldn’t do anything at the time. The other family member was too afraid to say anything to protect their family. I was upset about this revelation, but I hold no grudge or ill will towards them.
Food was used as a punishment, mostly if it was my dad’s, we couldn’t eat it no matter how long he kept it. We couldn’t even get a slice of cheese without permission.
I went to the majority of elementary school while we lived with DB, so it was a couple years. Eventually my second brother would come along, and she did everything she could to not allow us to bond with him. It was difficult because I loved both of my brothers. I changed them, helped feed them, even helped put them to bed.
She eventually kicked us out during my last year in elementary school. I never got to say goodbye to the friends I did have. We lived out of the car, then a hotel for some time. My dad still worked, and I stayed in the room with my little sister, while he was out.
TW:
Another memory just unlocked for me. I had forgotten about this one… Lord, calm my spirit. While we were in the hotel, it had two beds, and a full bathroom. We’re all getting showers, my dad first, then me, and then my sister. While my sister was in the bath, my dad wanted me to lay with him. Since I just got out of the shower I was wrapped in a towel, and so I was naked. At the time, my nickname was “Tink” (I used to love that nickname). He said, “come here Tink”. The room was dark, and I could tell he was under the blanket. I laid next to my dad, and he quickly repositioned me on top of him, also naked. This would be the first time for this type of contact. (Jesus, I trust you Lord)
I was sitting on top of him, and he held me in position showing me what he wanted me to do. There was no penetration at this time. I was so uncomfortable, and I didn’t want to sit on him like that, but I didn’t know what to do either. I remember he was so focused, that when the bathroom door opened, he threw me off of him, and I landed hard on the floor. Here I am in shock, confused, and naked on the floor as my sister comes out of the bathroom. I found my towel, and decided to act like I was looking for my dad’s glasses to avoid suspicion and embarrassment. This is one of the reasons I always thought I was the only one.
*Deep Breath, Refocus. Lord, guide me. Thank you for your Grace Lord. Calm my aching heart.
I’m not sure how long we stayed in the hotel, but I think it was for a while. I remember going to school during this time. When my dad worked, I would be in charge. I couldn’t open the door, turn the lights on, or let anyone know my sister and I were in there alone. We would eventually move out and live with my grandparents (paternal) for a time. My brothers both stayed with their mom.
I loved my grandparents so much. I had so many wonderful memories with them growing up. We would hang out with the cousins, and it was just so great. My heart would later be shattered into a million pieces…
My dad eventually found us a decent trailer, and we moved in. We lived there until just after I graduated.
There is still so much more, but I’m tired and overwhelmed emotionally right now.
Thank you for reading.