TW: Graphic

My Earliest Memory Continued

He was very explicit in what he wanted me to do and how. He would take my hand and show me how to hold his penis and how much pressure to use. (Remember, I believe I was about five to seven years old at this time). He would tell me to remove everything below my waist so that he could feel me on him when he held my bottom. It wasn’t long after this it became normal. I didn’t think whether it was wrong or not, it was something he wanted me to do, and it made him happy; and he was nice; and he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me and he loved me, and in my young mind it was okay.

I remember, around this time my dad (he) directed me to please him orally. Every. Single. Detail. I still can’t mention it. I couldn’t tell you exactly the first time, but I remember it was like he was teaching me to fish. To him, it was completely normal. He told me how to gently do oral without biting him.

When he emptied himself, he held my head in place and I almost puked. I wasn’t allowed to spit it out or act like it was disgusting because he’d get angry and offended. When this happened, he’d push me away, call me all kinds of names, and say that I didn’t love him and then I remember I kind of just shut down. Later learning that I disassociated myself and I mentally went somewhere else.

It wasn’t often in my younger years, but if I denied him oral, he’d be angry, or bribe me with gifts or make me feel like I was a horrible daughter. (This is part of emotional abuse).

I’m getting nauseated again, but I am going to try to push through for a little bit longer. Lord, calm my spirit…

Now he would start to physically touch me and this is the earliest memory I have of it. I was nowhere near puberty. I wasn’t developing at the time. (This is getting a bit difficult). I didn’t understand what he wanted from me. I didn’t understand why he wanted to touch me the way he did. It was like a game. I didn’t want to play, but I had to. So now, it was expected and routine at this point and I could only comply. I think instinctually, I knew not to tell him “No”.

There was a woman he was dating at the time (we’ll call her DB). They were pretty active in their sex life… he just didnt have a preference. He eventually would bring her into the abuse, and she became my second abuser, sexually, physically and mentally. He taught me how to perform oral on DB, and she molested and performed oral on me. Sometimes it was both of them at the same time like a sick orgy… I learned terms and sexual positions no child should ever here about. I didn’t know what to do or think.

I need to end this for now. I don’t want to have too long of a post, but there is just so much to go through. When I write on paper, a thought or memory comes to and then it just goes until I’m out of energy. I shut down for a week one time, and just wrote all i could remember… I’m currently using it as my draft.

Jesus, thank you for today and the opportunity to write again, I asl for your peace and comfort tonight, Lord. Grant me a sweet sleep and calm mind. ~Amen