I’m not sure what to write about at this current moment. I will say that even though this process is healing, and “purging” things I’ve now recognized as past trauma, I’m still just trying to make it through in life. I love my family so much, I am beyond blessed, and I know the relationship I have with Christ will only get stronger. I’m learning to make peace with the past. It still hurts, and I still battle with depression and anxiety, but I am praying to be delivered from that. I still worry a little too much. Even now, I am mentally and physically exhausted… it’s not just a “I didn’t get enough sleep” tired. It’s a kind of tired you get when you are subconsciously fighting to keep yourself upright, and functional. You want to be productive and get things done, but there’s just so much fatigue. You can’t make everyone happy. Its ok to take a break. Its ok to sit and relax, and if the only thing you did today was shower, or clean just one thing, that’s ok.
I am a self-taught crocheter thanks to the help of YouTube tutorials, and of course help and tips from my mom. I love to crochet. I will often make an effort to at least start/finish or learn a new stitch just to keep my mind occupied. I don’t socialize much, and I’m ok with that. I’d rather be home anyway, but I do enjoy some company. It is a very short list of people I trust. I am still very guarded and protective of what matters to me. I have a hard time trusting people. I try so hard to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I will not be someone that can be taken advantage of. I still have some insecurities… I don’t want to put my full vulnerabilities out there, but one thing I will admit, is I don’t like being alone. I feel safer when someone is with me, no matter where it may be. It’s easy to get lost in my own thoughts and fears, and having someone I trust near me, even just their presence, it helps to keep my grounded. I’ve noticed that with my husband, I need to have that balance…
I still have a lot of healing to do. I still have a lot to learn as well. I need to learn to fully trust God and His word. I need to fully know that what Jesus promised me is true and will come to pass. I need to understand exactly who Christ is and leave no room for doubts. It’s the self-doubt I have. I know I’m not worthy, but Jesus made me worth it. I know I’m a sinner, but I’ve been saved. I am learning to be who God wants me to be, and I pray I can be what He intended for me to be. What happened to me is horrible, but it’s had a major part in making me who I am today. I still have love and compassion for others. I still want to help others, and I pray I can do that one day, whatever it may be. I may not be able to get into my intended field of study, but maybe I needed to learn something first in order to understand what I went through….
I’ve been reading back over my posts, and some of them are still very hard for me to re-read, that I skip it entirely… others, I will force myself to read because I know I have been, or I am healing from those events. The enemy will try to destroy any progress that I’ve already made, but I know my God has already won the battle. I am not to be neglected. I know, and I trust fully that my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ loves me, unconditionally. I am covered, and I am blessed, and I pray to continue this project according to Gods will and glory.
I don’t quite know where I am going with this, but I know I need to be more trusting in the Lord, He has always been with me, and He has never failed me. I love Jesus, and what He’s done for me. I wouldn’t have survived otherwise.
Thank you, Lord Jesus for bringing me out of the abyss. Thank you for showing me you love me. Thank you for telling me you will never leave me. I want to be stronger in you Lord, without a doubt. I want to fully wholeheartedly, be completely surrendered to you, Jesus.