** A note to my sister** I love you.
As I got older, around sixteen years old or so, I would start questioning the type of relationship my dad and I had. It wasn’t right. I was beginning to realize that, and I would start to become depressed at this point. I would comply just to comply. My sister was sent to a group home for some time, so she essentially was moved out. Like I said, she has her own story. I will only tell just enough.
At this time, dad wanted our room cleaned up. It was a disaster, my dad wanted me to basically get rid of any and all traces that she lived there. It took me thirteen hours straight to clean that room it was literally only the size of two twin beds side-by-side.
He had me bag up all her clothes and put them in the shed. I went through all her journals and papers and gave my dad anything that seemed “incriminating” to him. I would eventually realize that what my sister journaled about was true. I never knew.
I thought I was the only one, and that she was jealous of the relationship I had with my dad, none of my siblings would be home when he molested me. My dad pitted us against each other from a very young age. I was “the angel” according to my sister. I was the “golden child”, while she got in trouble. The thing is, I wasn’t perfect, and I wasn’t smirking in her face. I was obedient because that’s just my nature, but also because I didn’t want to get in trouble. I didn’t want my dad to be disappointed in me. I did what I was told, and I didn’t fight back. I didn’t like confrontation, and I still don’t. I’d beg her to just listen so she wouldn’t get in trouble. I would easily take the blame if it meant keeping the peace… I don’t know if she knew that. Maybe I am weaker for that because I didn’t know she had it worse, physically, or that she was also going through the same thing.
I still get defensive sometimes towards her. We would always fight, constantly, she would try to get me in trouble, whether at home or at school. She’d attack me from behind. I have a lot of back problems, mostly from the abuse my father inflicted, but she knew I had a sensitive back. She held a lot of anger towards me, and I didn’t know why until years later. Our Mom explains it in a way that I can understand, because she understands my sister.
I’ve been estranged from her for a couple years now. I need more healing from our past together. It was always so hard being in the same room together. I had to be careful what I said or did, or she would find a reason to fight me, or lash out at me, always bringing up the past and I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I wanted to move on from the past. I realize that she copes and deals with her trauma differently than I do. She’s rebellious, and I try not to be. I don’t want this post to make it seem like I blame her for anything because it’s not what I’m trying to do.
I love my sister very much. I miss her more than I like to admit, and I need to get this off my chest. I gave her over to God, and I prayed for her daily. I still do. I hope that she will eventually set aside the past for a moment just to be able to talk as adults. We can never get back what we’ve already lost, but we can make an effort to hear each other out without being defensive with each other. It’s not a blame game, I never held blame against her. I pray she sees this one day. I truly didn’t know, and my anger towards you was not fair, and was not mine. I love you so much, and I want you to succeed and heal. I mean TRULY heal. I don’t want you to try to prove yourself to me, I’m not looking for anything. I want you to be happy, and healthy, and come to Christ and truly heal. I love you so much, and I want my sister back. I don’t want the drama and chaos. I can’t do that anymore. I never lived like that.
I ask for forgiveness because I know that some of the hurt and anger over the years, during our childhood was my fault. I want you to know, I never thought I was better than you. I was surviving. I didn’t know you were too. You got out first, and even though I didn’t like the way you did it, which is where some of the anger comes from; I now understand why. There was no other way. You did what you needed to do, and I am so sorry I didn’t see the signs before. I truly didn’t know you were going through the same thing. I didn’t understand why you couldn’t just listen, to make it easier, to not fight and get in trouble, I didn’t want you to get in trouble, and I gave up after too many times of trying to get you to listen.
I should have listened instead.
I should have heard you better.
I should have seen your hurt and pain and that you were fighting for survival. I am so sorry. I love you more than you know, honestly. I hope to one day give you a genuine hug, and you will feel that I love you.
You are strong. You are a warrior. You are loved. You are cherished by the King of Kings.
I pray you see this… I hope you are well!
I know this post was a bit different, but this was on my heart for a while.