I had to end my last post abruptly because I was getting physically ill remembering. I tried so hard to be ok, but I broke down. It felt like my heart was breaking all over again. The guilt and shame like to creep in every once in a while. It’s a guilt that I never should have had to carry.
I went to bed, tried to sleep and I was restless. I called on the name of Jesus, and immediately felt His presence. I was being hugged, and I cried, and worshipped, and praised Jesus until I fell asleep.
During my prayer it felt like I lost something, and it scared me for a minute. I asked God what the feeling was, and it was healing. With that last post, a part of me is healing. I know this process is going to be painful, but does it really have to be so devastatingly raw every time…?
The next morning, I was so mentally drained, I didn’t feel like posting until now. I didn’t even write that much, but what I have on paper is so much more emotionally involved. I lock things away in the back of my mind and it’s like a grenade when I open the door and remember again.
I have to continue….