Ramblings, what I’ve learned over the years… And Falling in Love with my Husband again.
I’ve been mentally exhausted lately. I want to talk about my present life. How I deal with things, or how I react to things. I don’t know really where to start, but since my dad’s trial, I have been healing and learning how to LIVE my life and not just survive it. For a while, it was very hard to let others in. I had a hard time trusting people completely, even now, to an extent; it was more so to protect myself and my emotions more than anything else. I don’t like seeing other people hurting, and the wrong people will take advantage of that.
People tend to think they can take advantage of me and once a bridge is burned, or a boundary is crossed, I have no issue cutting people off completely, and I’m not saying that in a nasty way. I’ve been hurt for too long, I don’t have time for fake, selfish, or inconsiderate. Love me for me, for who I am in Christ. Don’t try to control me or take something from me. I will turn away or I will fight tooth and nail for it. I am a very compassionate person. I care about how others are feeling, and for the longest time I would feel that if I couldn’t help someone or the situation, it would be my fault, even though I know I did nothing wrong
It’s hard to describe it in a way that doesn’t make me sound like I am being conceded, trust me I am far from it…
Going onto the fears I had shortly after leaving my dad’s house, I was paranoid, and so terrified that he would find me and drag me back and that I would never leave his house again. When I became pregnant with my oldest son, I was living with my then fiancé in our own apartment. My father had already been arrested and in jail be this point. I would have a recurring nightmare, (and I still see it like a memory) that my dad busted down our apartment door and threatened to take my baby from my still pregnant self and beat me nearly to death. That I would try to run from him, and no matter where I went, he would find me and take me. I would have several nightmares similar to this, or ones where I would be hiding in a dark place, and there was someone chasing me. I would always be running for my life, trying to escape from the one trying to catch me. I would wake up in cold sweats. I would wake up crying or screaming, or I would wake up having severe panic attacks, that I would call on the name of Jesus to help me calm down.
When I first met my now husband, as I mentioned before, our relationship happened, and it took off faster than I thought it would. I do, however, believe that he was placed onto my path for a reason. I am incredibly grateful to God for my husband, I only pray he sees the wonderful works God did and continues to do for us, like I do.
Alot of my past, my husband doesn’t know about or doesn’t understand because he hasn’t experienced it himself. (Thank you Lord) Even with this blog, the graphic detailed posts I write when I do remember, he doesn’t read, and honestly, I am perfectly ok with that. I don’t expect those close to me to go as far as I am on this journey. Its ok to skim the main part and get a general idea, but unless you’ve personally gone through similar as I have, one couldn’t possibly understand.
I am grateful for that though. My husband has been incredibly supportive throughout our entire relationship. We’ve had our little disagreements, and I’m learning its ok to speak up and talk about how I feel, or even why I feel the way I do. I was so scared to get into this relationship in the beginning, as I said, it happened fast, but I wanted to live my own life, to have a family, and people who love me unconditionally. It was difficult for me to believe that he didn’t want to rush anything. I told him in the very beginning that I wasn’t ready for a sexual relationship. I hadn’t been with anyone before, and I was still very new to these situations. I didn’t want to be a ‘statistic’ and I wanted so much more for my life.
Currently, I want what God wants for my life. Whatever His plan, whatever His will, I trust it one hundred percent. He has already gone before me and set the path. I just need to patiently wait for Him to tell my I’m ready.
This may be TMI, but I am going to speak on a bit more personal level.
I am a modest person, I don’t like anything to do with showing my body on a sexual level, out of fear of the “she was asking for it” mentality. In the beginning of our relationship, I was extremely afraid of intimacy. I was very self-conscious (I am getting better with body image issues… a little) I didn’t want to do anything with anyone just because they wanted something from me. I mentioned before that my husband is the first person I willingly gave myself to, and it’s true. I cherished that part of me more than anything else, I wasn’t going to let just anyone take that… My innocence may have been stolen by someone else, but I willingly gave myself to someone I trusted. (sometimes the technical terms bother me, but I am also trying not to be blunt about it…) Honestly, if we didn’t work out, whether or not I was pregnant, I probably wouldn’t be with anyone else, unless ordained by God.
It took so much courage, and trust to allow him in emotionally. I had control over that, and he never made me feel like I had to do anything just because. It was always my choice when we would be intimate. I feel bad for this, and I am so very grateful for his patience; but I didn’t need the sexual intimacy. I would go weeks, or even months, and he would patiently wait for me. I craved the physical and emotional intimacy, the hand holding, the hugging, the reassurance, but I didn’t want to make him feel like I was teasing him and then not fulfilling my part.
The sexual topics are still very difficult to talk about. I would be, (and still am sometimes) shy and awkward, and I wouldn’t know what was expected of me. I had to learn that this part of a relationship was ok. That I was in a healthy “normal” sexual relationship with someone I was falling deeply in love with. I would often times avoid sexual intimacy because I would constantly fight with myself, mentally and emotionally. Forgive me if this is too much information, but I feel as a survivor of sexual abuse, this is an important topic to mention… I wanted intimacy with my husband; even after children, it was still very difficult for me to relax enough to allow that physical contact. I knew, physically I was safe, that I wasn’t being forced, and that I love this man, and trust him fully, yet my body would fight against me. My body would be too tense for intimacy, and my amazingly kind, and patient husband never rushed or forced sexual contact. I would apologize so much, because I wanted to be with him sexually, but I would get so angry and frustrated with myself because my body couldn’t accept him… I love him so much for being able to be so patient and wait for me. He was so gentle and reassuring, and I needed that. I needed to know that I wasn’t doing anything wrong, and he understood, that he needed to treat this like my first time, almost every single time.
I have been better with the sexual intimacy, especially since starting this blog. The more I write, the more I release emotionally, and the more I heal, I have been able to be free from my doubts, insecurities, and my husband’s love for me. I know he loves me. I know he would never hurt or betray me. If he ever did, well then, I put all my trust into this, and I pray that we will only get stronger together.
After having my first son, I was so afraid of any kind of physical or sexual contact. I was worried about whether he felt I “trapped” him to the point I told him straight out, I was keeping the baby, and if he didn’t want any part of it to tell me now, I will be fine as a single mother, and I won’t hold any responsibility over him. I think he was kind of shocked at my response, but he said he would be there, that he didn’t feel trapped, and I think he said “Well, I’m not getting any younger, and I wanted to be a father at some point!” I swooned a little, but I was still on guard.
My father forced my stepmom to have an abortion with her first child, the nasty custody battle between him and my brother’s mom, and the child support stuff with my biological Mom, I didn’t want to continue that cycle. I didn’t want to have a broken home. I wasn’t going to force anyone to take care of MY child… and that’s how I felt. My son came at a time in my life where everything was still brand new to me. I was finding my family I was stolen from, going through emotional baggage with my paternal family who turned me away after I spoke up, as well as going through the investigation and the eventual trial of my dad… all this happening over at least two years, and I would eventually get married during this time as well.
Something else I would do is apologize much more than necessary. Anything and everything, if I thought I did wrong, or even if someone was just complaining about normal things, I would say “I’m sorry”. I would get told so many times to stop apologizing, that it was becoming annoying to those around me. The thing was, I didn’t say it just to say it, I truly meant it. Every single apology was sincere, and it would become like a physical itch if I couldn’t say it, or if I was told not to apologize, my anxiety would skyrocket. I was worried if I was being tested, or if the person was truly angry with me, and wasn’t telling me… There would be, and still is, sometimes when I don’t realize I have said “I’m sorry” until someone points it out to me. The reason, is because I would always feel like I needed to apologize in order to appease my father, keep the peace, or acknowledge that I did something wrong, even if I didn’t. It was so much easier to apologize and admit fault, instead of defending myself.
I don’t apologize as much as I used to, but it’s still there sometimes, I do have to say it to ease my mind. Its a work in progress situation.
I also ask “are you ok” way more than normal, to the point that it would annoy my husband until I one day sat down and talked to him about it. I ask if you are ok, because I genuinely and sincerely want to know. I am not trying to annoy you or start an argument. If you need something, I want to get it for you. If you breath too heavy, and I think you are frustrated or irritated with me, I will ask if there is anything I can do. It would bother me so much when I would be taking a break or was relaxing, because I felt I would always have to constantly be doing something to make myself “look productive”, something I would hear often from my dad, otherwise I would be called lazy and worthless because nothing was getting done.
I could go on about so much more I’ve been learning, and realizing over the years, but that will probably be for another post. I am so thankful for your support. Most of the graphic things I’ve posted have a redundancy in my life up until I made my escape. I haven’t remembered anything else, and if I never do, than that’s all Gods’ will. I am ok with not knowing if it means I still heal.