TW: Graphic. Forced Sexual Acts.
I have been hesitant to write about this part. A memory resurfaced after I watched a home video of my ninth birthday. I remember the house where the video was recorded. I remember the footy jammies I was wearing. I do not remember anything else. I don’t remember the birthday celebration. I don’t remember the massive pile of balloons my dad bought home, most likely after an event at the hotel he worked at. I do not remember the gifts, or the card, or anything about that day in any way whatsoever. I have absolutely no memory of my ninth birthday.
In the video, I noticed I looked a bit dissociated. It looked like the girl in the video was someplace else that day and wasn’t mentally present. I don’t even remember looking like that, and I don’t have any pictures of myself that young. Watching the video over and over again, and nothing feels familiar or like a slight memory, it’s just completely blocked. If I didn’t see the video, I wouldn’t have known what my ninth birthday was like…
This is the hard part. I keep getting a hint of a memory trying to break through, and I am slightly afraid to go deeper and open that door. I’ve prayed, “Lord if it’s your will for me to remember, please reveal it even if it hurts”. Very slowly, over the last few days since watching my birthday video, I have been remembering bits and pieces. I believe them to be true, but the way it presents itself is like a bad dream, one that I think I’ve had before. I think I am afraid to finally admit that it is true. That this blocked memory finally revealing itself, in fact happened.
Jesus, guide me.
Even now, I’m praying through it because I know it’s going to be painful. Something I thought was just a bad recurring dream. It involves my younger sister… and myself.
As I’ve mentioned, my younger sister and I are thirteen months apart, and biological (“full”) sisters. For her protection, and until she’s ready, I’ll call her Ruby.
~TRIGGER WARNING~
I keep getting this image of my dad, myself, and my sister Ruby in the basement at the house we used to live in with DB (younger brothers’ mom). You would come down the basement stairs and to the left was a stand-up shower, the drains, and farther back, would be the furnace, and then the laundry area. There were some clothes lines hanging up and then on the other side of the steps there was the storage/computer desk area, where I would play solitaire. My ninth birthday was in 1998, so I presume it’s around this time. I remember we would sometimes play in the basement, and hang upside down off the back of the steps… This is also the basement I would be locked in and eat dog food when I had nothing else to eat.
TRIGGER WARNING
We would do clothes together in the basement, Ruby and I would help my dad switch loads, or hang up the clothes, “normal” stuff.
Well, this memory I have, (Lord, calm my stomach) is of Ruby and I sitting on top of the washer or dryer. Our dad was standing in front of us. I remember there were some sheets, or clothes hanging on the line… you wouldn’t be able to see the laundry area from the steps when the lines were full. I don’t remember if he was exposed or not. However, I do remember he was directing Ruby and I to touch each other. We each had a hand on each other’s privates… I don’t remember if I was wearing a skirt, or if we were naked waste down. The memory is so fuzzy, and I think this is the first time he had my sister and I touch each other.
As the memory is slowly coming back, there is something else I remember, and I haven’t dealt with it yet, because I don’t remember how it started, but I remember being in my room, on my bed, naked. I remember a belt was tied around my wrists, to the bed, and Ruby was performing oral on me. I keep remembering our dad in the corner, or by the door… (Lord, keep me, I feel sick). I feel like for some reason it was my fault, I shouldn’t have let her do that… but was also nervous because I was tied up. I don’t remember anything else during that.
I remember I would change my room around often, and if you came up the stairs to our room, and looked left, you would see my bed against the wall… I really truly don’t know if this is something that had happened, or if it was a terrible dream because of what I went through. I believe it did happen because of how it presents itself. I am very nervous to post this, because it involves Ruby. I’m thinking this may be when our childhood friendship changed. We used to be like best friends, and then I remember she just hated me one day, and I didn’t know why. When I tried to talk to her about it, it became difficult between us, and then I would grow angry towards her, because she was mad at me…
I think this is something that Ruby had tried to tell me about before, but I was in full denial, not ready to hear it. For the longest time, I thought it was just me, but now, I’m realizing it involved both of us girls, ages eight and nine years old, forced to perform sexual acts on each other.
I’m currently holding some guilt and shame because, was it my fault? Could I have done anything to prevent it from happening? Did I do something wrong? Was I apart of the reason my sister hates me?
I need to take a break for a bit.
I needed some time to process what I’ve just remembered. I cried. I prayed. I asked forgiveness. I asked the Lord if I should keep writing, or rest. He let me rest for a bit, and I calmed down. Then I asked, “what do I do lord?”, and I heard “get up”. (If I’m mistaken Lord, forgive me.) It’s like God told me to get up and brush myself off. I know the truth! I asked, “Lord what now?” He said “Write!”.
The entire time I was crying and praying, it hurt so bad to know that something like this happened to me,” why me Lord?” Its ok. I know I’m going to be ok. God said He is always with me, that He would never leave me. I had an emotional breakdown, and even though it currently hurts, I feel peace. I trust God has His hand in my life, and that I am saved.
Truth is, I am loved. Truth is, I am blessed.
Truth is, it wasn’t my fault! Truth is, it’s not my shame or guilt or pain to carry.
Truth is, Jesus conquered the grave with me in mind. Truth is, God told me to hold on just a little bit longer, everything will be ok.
Truth is, I was a CHILD, and now I am a child of the King.
I am currently not as brokenhearted as I was an hour ago. Thank you, Jesus, for being my comfort, and redeemer.
I praised, I worshipped, I asked for forgiveness… Now, as I listen to the song “LION” (by elevation worship and Brandon Lake) I feel stronger. I feel like my armor just got thicker. I am a warrior, and my past will not bring me to fall. I am on a firm foundation; I am ready for the fight!!
To Ruby, I love you so much. I am so sorry we went through the same thing, and I blocked out so much or was in denial. I want a healthy adult relationship with you, where our past isn’t the only thing, we have in common! I love you Sis, and I pray you are on your own healing journey. I forgive you for your anger and hate towards me, I understand now. Please, forgive me, if you can. I truly want to start over without the manipulation, shame, and guilt on our shoulders. I have always cared and wanted to protect you; I didn’t know that it was because of this that I couldn’t. I love you, Ruby!! Always!