Meeting my mother for the first time in twenty years
~Falling in love with my now husband….
While in the women’s shelter, I stayed for I think three months, I was allowed to “move up” and was basically fast tracked to a single room. I would no longer be in the main shelter sharing bunks with other women. I would have privacy, and since I was still working, I would pay “rent”. It was to help me start looking for something on my own, and still have a safe place to go. All the rules still applied. It had a small table, fridge, kitchenette, a bed, and a tv.
While still working my security job, I was getting close with my then supervisor. He could tell there was something going on, but I was trying so hard to keep my personal life and work life separate. We would hang out a few times, when we weren’t working, and eventually we would start dating. We had met up at a bar, cliche, I know, but I needed this freedom for a little bit. Halfway through our date, we both go outside to smoke, and I asked him “can I hug you” and he was shocked I think, but he allowed me to hug him.
It was safe. Comfortable. I felt like I could breathe a normal breath. Just that one moment, my entire world was calm and peaceful. I wanted to hold on forever. Sometime after our date, I would start to open up more, I was learning to trust this person. He was genuine, kind, and showed compassion when I was going through a particular rough spot. As I was granted the restraining order against my dad, I had to let my boss know. Like I said, my dad worked security in the same area, he’s already tracked me once, I was afraid he’d find me again, in the middle of the night, while I was working, and walking the campus.
My supervisor was there as well, and this would be the first time he would hear about my situation. I didn’t go into detail but gave a general idea. I still wanted to protect myself. Coworkers would start asking me what’s going on. It would become overwhelming. My personal life was colliding with my work life. It also got out that my supervisor and I were dating, but we kept it professional at work. I didn’t get special treatment; I didn’t want special treatment. When we both had to talk to our boss about it, I told him, I will not let you lose your job. I was willing to move to another location or be fired all together. We NEVER did anything sexual together. Not at this time. I do remember I had my first kiss with him in the parking lot, after our shift. It was gentle, and shy, and nice. (I’m smiling remembering this moment). This is the moment I would realize I was falling in love. I was willing to let him go, if it meant he kept his job.
I ended up being moved to a much smaller location. I would be so bored, because I was now down from patrolling ten several story buildings, to one, one level building… It was agony. As well as still being a part of, and continuing the investigation, and speaking to the troopers, and ADA, I was severely underweight, overwhelmed, exhausted, stressed, and full of anxiety.
I was still living at the woman’s shelter around Thanksgiving. I remember some volunteers had come in to make us a beautiful Thanksgiving meal. I was so heartbroken. Thanksgiving is a favorite holiday. We were always together, no matter what, we had a family tradition, and this would be the first time I didn’t have it. I felt lost.
During the time, and even before I left my dad’s, I was not able to keep regular food down. I could drink protein shakes, and smoothies, but solid food made me ill. I had boxes and boxes of the carnation instant breakfast shakes, and those were the only things I literally survived on. I wanted to be a part of this thanksgiving, to show my appreciation to these strangers helping us to have a somewhat normal holiday. I tried to eat, and I couldn’t. I would help clean up, and then go back to my room in tears because I was missing people I knew my entire life, and they couldn’t care less.
Around this time is when I would get in contact with my uncle, and my mother.
I would also move out of the shelter, with a friend and we had an apartment together. It was tough living with her after a few weeks, but I was able to have my own space. I was starting all over again, and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, or what I was going to do at the time.
I was still dating my supervisor, but he was no longer my supervisor. I very much dislike the term “boyfriend”, so I probably won’t use it. We did become partners, and we were falling in love, at least I was, I can’t speak on exactly how he felt at the time. I still had a lot of insecurities. I wanted to be with him, but I was afraid of so many things. I was used, dirty, and broken, but he was showing me something I don’t think I’ve ever seen before. It was genuine. He was real. He didn’t expect anything from me, and I told him I am not ready for that type of relationship yet. He never made me feel like I had to do anything I didn’t want.
When I told him about finally reaching out to my mom after not knowing her for so long, he instantly offered to take me up to her.
I had contacted and made arrangements with my mom to finally meet in person. I was nervous, but ready. I needed to see her face to face. I needed to get the image my dad put into me out of my head. We would take a weekend, stay at a hotel, and meet my mom for the first time in twenty years.
When we finally arrived at our destination, my uncle drove my mom, and we met at the hotel. When my mom fist stepped out of the car, I was overcome with emotion. She was so beautiful! She had a light around her, she had been crying. I asked if I could hug her, and I just fell into her. I held on so tight. She was familiar, she even smelled familiar. Her embrace felt like years of hugs and comfort pouring into me. It was instant relief. I was finally home, and I knew it would all change for the better. I thank God for putting the right person in my life at the right time. I am forever grateful and thankful my partner was able to be a part of my coming home!
I had met my uncle, he was kind of intimidating at first, but I was very grateful for him as well, he was the calm and comfort I needed at the time. We would follow them back to my mom’s house, and I was still emotional. My partner asked if I was ok, that anytime I want to leave, I just had to ask. He was there for me know matter what and supported me in whatever decision I made. He kept me grounded. I’m so glad he did come with me.
When we arrived at my mom’s house, I walked into a grand welcome home! There were so many family members I never knew about. They ALL knew about my sister and I. We were the “long lost daughters” finally coming home. We were kept alive and included in everything. There wasn’t a day that went by where we weren’t mentioned, thought of, or most importantly prayed for!
My mom planted that seed when she did have us, before we were taken. We had always been covered by the blood through their prayers. I felt them over the years. The experiences I had was conformation that I had people, churches, non-related family, people who would never meet me, praying for me! I was so overwhelmed when I saw everyone. They were all in my mom’s living room, just hanging out like it was a normal family gathering. There were stacks of pizzas, at least twenty boxes honestly. It was great.
We got a few family pictures together, and hugs, and welcome homes from everyone. I felt so blessed, I felt so loved, and these people “didn’t know me”, but they really did. After a while, it was getting late, people started to head out, to allow my mom and I to talk. I had so many questions, I don’t remember all of what we talked about, but every question was answered honestly, and I knew it was the truth when I heard it. Seeing her, and hearing her speak it, I knew she was telling me the truth. I needed to know that I was loved beyond measure, and my mother is a god-fearing woman who loves and trusts in Jesus. She knew we would one day come home. We would talk late into the evening.
My partner and I would go back to the hotel, and we would meet up for breakfast, and church the next morning. I wanted to see where my mom went to church, and she wanted to show me off… No, she wanted to show the church that God answers prayers, and I was the proof. The church knew more about me, then I did. I was already a part of their family. I was already apart of them.
I now have a wonderful adult relationship with my mom. She is my best friend; I can talk to her about anything. When the past starts to shake me, she leads me to scripture, and back to trusting Gods healing process for me. She never once made me feel less than, or worthless… She has made me feel loved like I’ve never felt from family I grew up with. I have a peace; I have a place here. I have discovered my roots. I am blessed, excepted, and wanted. She’s made me feel priceless… I love you so much Mom, and I wouldn’t trade this for anything!!
I don’t want to get too personal, but here it is. That weekend trip would be when I would willing give myself to someone because I wanted to. It was fully my choice, I was deeply in love, and I wanted to be with my partner in every way. That would be when our first born was conceived. I would eventually move in with him and his roommate for a bit before getting our own place together.
As I said before, it didn’t happen exactly how I wanted it to, but I have absolutely no regrets. I’ve been saved and forgiven since. I know my God loves me. I didn’t make a mistake, given the circumstances, I made a choice free and clear. I knew what I wanted and that I wanted my partner to be my first. I loved him, very much. We would eventually get married and have two more children. We just recently celebrated our ten-year wedding anniversary. I know our relationship happened fast and I thank God for putting my husband in my life when he did.
I love him more than he realizes, I am so thankful for him, our children, the life we have, its perfect for us. I can’t imagine my life without him, thank you Jesus. Now I pray he decides to be saved, but I trust God will call him in His time.
To my husband: Thank you so much for supporting me in my mess, in the worst possible time, you helped bring me out of the abyss, and I believe God used you to do many things that led to my healing. I love you so much! I appreciate all of your hard work to support our family, and I am so very proud of you! Thank you for being a support, and a genuine love! Thank you, Jesus, for my husband. Lord, keep him and call him to you. Bless him Lord, keep him safe, and let him know your love like nothing else.
“Hello peace, Hello joy, hello love, hello hope, it’s a new horizon!” -Goodbye Fear Todd Galberth
I’m not done yet. God isn’t finished either.