August has been a very busy month. Prepping and being a part of my mom’s wedding was an amazing experience. It was so great to see all the support that they both received. The reception was beautifully done by my older sister, and I made the wedding cake. Alot of other family members made different foods, including my mom. It was a great time! My children started school, and so far, they seem to like it a lot. Oh, and my middle child made the choice to be baptized this past weekend!! Thank you, Lord, for allowing this time with family!
I needed to take a mental break because there was a lot going on. Between helping with my mom’s wedding, and my boys starting school, there was a lot of change. I’m excited to see what God has next for us. I want what God wants for me and my life.
I’ve also been praying and thinking about possibly visiting my dad in prison. It was a flutter of a thought at first, but then, it went in with all the change happening. I began dreaming about it, and I came to the conclusion, that whether my dad has changed or not, I need to be able to put the past behind me and move on for good. I have forgiven my dad several times, through the victim impact statement after the trial, to the letter I recently sent him. Even though I know my past happened, and I don’t deny what I went through, as much as I thought I let it go, I believe there is more to it than just releasing the past. I believe this is something God wants me to do so that I can finally do what it is I am called to do. I can’t let my past hold me back. I need to heal. I am no longer the scared little girl. I have nothing to apologize for, and I have nothing to prove to my dad.
I was talking with my mom, the week of her wedding… as we were staying with family out of town, I was realizing some of the things I have missed with my mother’s side of the family. I very much enjoyed my time with my cousins, and I had a blast with them and my aunt. I also was thinking about the family that abandoned me, and the time we used to share together. I just began missing them. And then, I had an emotional breakdown, which I was expecting honestly. What happened was all the Father/Daughter interactions I was noticing with my cousins, and uncles. It was beautiful to see that from my perspective, and I began missing the uncles that no longer talk to me. I also missed the bond that I could have had with my maternal uncles, and then, started missing my dad… because I don’t have that anymore. My dad isn’t dead, but he will never be a part of my life, and I think that was part of the decision to visit him. To finally heal that lose that was ripped from me, even before the trial ever happened.
I don’t have any other father figure, but I know, that whenever I need it, I can call my uncles, or pastor, for advice…
To my maternal side of the family, we (my younger sister and I) were ALWAYS a part of the family, always celebrated and remembered on birthdays and holidays, and when I came back into my mom’s life, they knew me… They knew me because they always made me apart of everything that they did… I however grew up knowing of, but not knowing about my mom, and cousins, and aunts and uncles… I was isolated as a child, and I was only told just enough to keep me controllable. I know, I’m probably going on a tangent, but this is what it’s like when I start thinking things, it’s a never-ending cycle… What if? What could have been?
But then, as I read something earlier today, and it made sense to me, I don’t want to know about what could have been… it doesn’t matter, because it didn’t happen. I can’t hold on to something that I will never have, there is no point in wondering, when I can’t change the past. The only thing I can honestly do, is keep my eyes on Jesus. I only want what I have now, and what I will have in the future, that is something I can look forward to, and work on, and trust in God’s plan for me.
I am who I am today because of what God has brought me through. I know people will ask “Well why does God ALLOW these things to happen…?” Honestly, in my opinion and Lord forgive me if I am incorrect, but God doesn’t “allow” bad things to happen. He gave man free will, and since the fall of man (Adam) they (Humans, people, us…) have manipulated and took it for granted. Man chooses evil. The reason for the cross, was so we could freely choose to follow Christ… If someone could interpret, I know what I am trying to say.
God was always there, telling me everything would be alright, and I believe it with everything in my being. There truly is power in prayer, and I felt the prayers from family without even realizing… Thank You Lord for making your presence known!
I know, I went off again, my mind is all over the place. So, I am considering visiting my dad in prison. If it’s just to see whether or not he’s changed, which I don’t think he has, or if it’s to forgive him face to face for the first time in ten years… I want whatever it is God wants me to do in this regard. I pray for his salvation. I pray he’s changed… but I can’t hold out hope when all he ever did was destroy… I don’t want to be afraid to see him. I know certain family members read my blog, and may even report back to him… Even though it feels like my life truly began just over ten years ago, there is still so much I missed out on and want to experience with my family, that I can’t let fear of the past hold me back. I want closure, no matter how it is presented, I will except it. I love my dad, he is after all, my father, and there is so much I know can be said about how I feel, but it’s the Christ in me that allows me to still have those feelings. I am not a vindictive or spiteful person. I won’t hope for something that may never be… I hope he is saved and born again. I hope he will ask forgiveness… As far as admitting fault or apologizing to me, I will leave that to God. I have to be able to trust that when I do see him, that whatever happens, God will be in control of the situation. I know I can’t do it alone. Either way, this is something for ME… not anyone else, but me…
I trust in the Lord, and whatever His will is….