A Letter to my dad
I’m skipping ahead for a minute. I haven’t written about the trial we went through… Short version, after I spoke with the troopers, my dad was investigated, and eventually arrested. He was charged, which I will post about later, and then the case went to trial. He was convicted and sentenced to over 600 years in prison.
About a year ago, I got the courage to write a letter to my dad. I kept it for a bit, and I prayed about it. I finally sent it to him, but I’m not sure if he even received it. At this point I’m at the stage that I don’t really know how to feel about him. I was upset and angry at first, then I was heartbroken, and now, I just don’t know how I feel… I’ve seen a recent prison photo of him, and he looks sad; not like the man/dad I used to know. He almost feels like a stranger to me now. The only thing I can really do at this point is pray for his salvation. I pray that he realizes what he did and comes to Christ… It’s in God’s hands… The following is the letter I wrote:
Hello,
I haven’t quite figured out how to address this letter. “Dear dad”? Sounds too much like a letter from a young child; or an adult who has a decent relationship with her father. “Dear {first name}” sounds too formal, too business like, almost like a separation, which wouldn’t be too hard to do honestly. I debated a long time, prayed, and asked God’s guidance on whether or not to write to you. I’ve thought about you over the years; healed a lot from the pain you caused me. This, however, is the first time I’m putting pen to paper, writing to you. Even now, I’m praying God gives me the grace and proper words I want to express to you, the way I want you to understand, if at all.
This letter is mostly going to let you know the healing I’ve done; it is not a letter to seek your approval, or pity. This is not a letter you can sit and smirk at, because I can tell you, I have a beautiful smile on my face, placed there by God himself. I am an overcomer, a strong woman of faith and a love for God so deep, you wouldn’t understand it unless you had it as well. I want you to know, I don’t and never did feel bad for you. This is not being said in anger or hatred. God has healed a major part of that anger in me. I hated what you did to me, our family, and how your decisions tore us apart; but now, as I have forgiven you and your wrong doings, I can only pray for you and your salvation in Jesus Christ.
I’m still healing. Some things still hurt, but it’s a process. My entire life was built upon a lie, and I had to rediscover my roots, who I am, and most importantly who God wants me to be. You took something from me that was never meant for you. You tried to ruin me, brand me, and control me. I was a gift to you, your first-born daughter, and you treated me as a wife; a mother to my siblings, a maid, and everything in between. My innocence was mine to give, not yours to take anytime you pleased. You tried to claim me for your own, and I was never yours to claim. You were to cherish me, protect me, teach me the difference between right and wrong, and instead you groomed me. I give all praise to God for pulling me out of the darkness when He did. Remember (old address), that basement bedroom? That was my prayer room, and looking back, I believe it was the Holy Spirit that kept you out, because you never did cross the threshold. You always wanted me in your room. I felt so relieved when (kid sister) moved into my room with me. I pray you never touched her. Even now, I remember feeling bad about not protecting both of my sisters, sacrificing the older to protect the youngest. However, I know that wasn’t my responsibility. It was never meant to be. You forced yourself, and your will on me.
In that basement bedroom I cried out, I prayed for hours, and I felt what I now know was Jesus himself holding me, telling me to “hold on, just a little bit longer, everything will be alright”… Even when I was going to shoot myself because of the pain, the never-ending cycle of you blaming me, accusing me, and controlling, using, and abusing me, I heard yet again that still small voice telling me to “stop! hold on just a little bit longer, everything will be alright!” Its only by the Grace of God I had the courage to get the help I needed to get out of that situation.
I have blocked out so much of the sexual abuse, that every time I remember, it hurts. It’s a shock to my system, but every time, I pray. I ask God to help me process, understand that none of it was my fault, then I ask God to take it from me. Piece by piece I am healing, and it is the most beautiful (freeing) feeling in the world. The love Jesus has for me is more than you, or any father figure could ever give me.
I say this often, I strongly believe if it wasn’t for the sexual, emotional, mentally controlling abuse, you could have been a wonderful father. One I was supposed to have had. You protected us when you needed to, taught us a lot. There are some really good memories, but they all came at a cost that I was never meant to pay. For a long time, I felt dirty, shame, worthless, useless, like an object only used when needed. I am still healing from that as well, but I know now, because of Jesus, I am worthy. He sees my beauty and I willingly give myself to God because He has no strings attached. You loved me to the best of your ability. I believe you could only show a little bit of what emotions you had because of YOUR demons. Your past. However, you had a choice, and you chose to break the most sacred bond a young girl has. You broke me, bullied me, used me, then tossed me aside and blamed me when I finally spoke up.
My heart was shattered and ripped from my chest, and you stood by taunting and laughing. It took time, but I had to forget about you for a while, to let God work on my healing. I’ve had nightmares, and flashbacks and I would break down anytime I thought about you and what you did; what you took from me, my innocence, my family, my body. Now, (and I am so grateful) its only by the grace of God that I can write this with a peaceful, humble smile, because I know I am not broken. I am not dirtied, or ruined, or soiled. I am made clean by the most High God. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and my God knew me before I was a twinkle in my mother’s eye. I am loved beyond measure, and I pray one day you find God’s love. Truly, fully, wholeheartedly feel and believe in the love of Jesus Christ. It’s all I’ve wanted for you since I’ve been saved and born again in Christ.
You could have been a great dad, a wonderful man, and grandfather had it not been for the choices you’ve made. Like how you raised us, there are consequences for your actions. You taught me to be honest, yet you struggle to see the truth. You know what you did. I pray you find it in yourself to one day recognize your wrong doings and seek forgiveness. I don’t think I will ever get it from you, but that’s ok. I have forgiven you for my own healing journey. Seek forgiveness with God. Get your heart right before it’s too late. Fully seek Jesus and his salvation. The process in painful, but such love and grace come from it. Don’t twist the bible to your will. It’s all Gods will, and He sees all…
My heart no longer feels shattered. In fact, it feels fuller that it ever has. It’s been ten years, and I am at peace with what happened. I can’t deny my past, what you put me through, the pain you caused, but I refuse to let it define me and control me. I choose to rise above the statistics and not use my past as a crutch. I am the way I am because of what I endured. God made sure I didn’t stay in the past. He has plans for me. I am incredibly blessed to have the life I have considering what I was brought through. That deep dark abyss you kept me in, is now a mountain top with God’s light shining on me, and I am the most beautiful person in His eyes.
I want you to know, you will always be my dad. You did teach me somethings I still hold onto, however currently I am mourning you and what we could have had as father/daughter. You missed out on so much, and as my children get older, I often think about how you would have been with them. Taking them camping, fishing or hunting… visiting you and their aunts, Family gatherings, fun with grandpa, but because of this choice and path you decided to take, you will never be there for them. They don’t know what you did, obviously they are too young for that conversation. They know I have a dad, but we don’t talk. I don’t dread the eventual conversation, and you are often just a flitter of a though sometimes, but then I am reminded to pray for you.
Since being reunited with mom and this side of my family you took me from, I have found myself more than I thought I would. Everything makes more sense now that I know where I come from, who I came from, and whose I am. I come from a family of God-fearing men and women, (on my older sibling’s side as well). I am a child of God and his promises to this side have been fulfilled since our return. You tried to keep me from mom because you knew I would know the truth when I heard it. Mom is a blessing, a gift, and the reason I could never call your wives “mom”. I thank God for reuniting us. I love the adult relationship we have as mother and daughter. My family is healing since the return of their sisters/daughters/nieces/granddaughters. I am not angry at you dad, nor do I hate you. I dislike your choices and what you did, but I am handing you over to God. I no longer feel responsible for your wrong doings. I pray you find the peace and reconciliation, and forgiveness you need. I know and trust I will be okay, and that no harm from you will come against me anymore. I’m praying for you soul. I still love you, as Christ loved his enemies.
~Cassandra
I truly don’t hate my dad; I don’t wish any ill will on him. I am thankful to be away from him, and the abuse I endured. I also trust Gods plans, whatever they may be. For me to heal and continue growing in Christ, I need to forgive my father and hand him over to God. I am thankful for the faith I do have.
As I grow stronger in my faith, I refuse to hold onto grudges, or things that hurt me in the past. I choose to move on and forgive because it’s what I am called to do. Jesus died for me, He also died for my father. Someone who did something so despicable shouldn’t deserve forgiveness and I know some people would even wish horrible things on him, but I can’t do that. I don’t defend my dad or justify what he’s done. Whether he comes to Christ or not, there is still judgment for him at the end. I believe this, and trust that God is in control of that part of my life. My identity is not a victim, but a survivor. I trust in the will of the Heavenly Father, and whatever plans He has for me.
“For I know the thoughts I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for peace and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.” ~Jeremiah 29: 11-13 (ESV)