I’ve been fighting emotional and mental trauma for so long. I’ve struggled with anxiety, and depression. I would have major panic attacks, everything was closing in on me, and I couldn’t breathe. I was being abused at home, and horribly bullied in school. I hated school so much. I wasn’t one of the cool kids, I didn’t even fit into the misfits. Honestly though, that’s all ok, because I never really did try to fit in. I was painfully shy, people thought I was a snob… I wasn’t, I just kept to myself, it was easier for me to get through this routine, then the other one. I’d rather sit in the back of a room, and observe others, figure out who was genuine, and who to stay away from. I was so compassionate. I cared a lot about people. The teachers, and even the principle wouldn’t do anything because they thought I was problem child. I struggled a lot in school.
There were a few times I was being bullied right in front of the teacher; kids were throwing paper balls at me. There was a literal pile of paper around my desk, and she didn’t say anything. I asked her if she was going to continue to let this happen, if she was going to do anything, and she said, “They’re not doing anything to hurt you”. No, it might not have hurt physically, but I had every right to learn what was being taught without being the laughingstock of the classroom.
My life was threatened on multiple occasions. Someone threatened to slit my throat after school. I wasn’t worried about it, but as the day progressed, I became afraid, and told the school resources officer. They found a box cutter on the kid, and he got in trouble. His female friend was furious with me, because “he needed it for work, and I could have ruined his life” she threatened to put drugs in my locker and call the cops, so again, I told the SRO, and they had search dogs out the next day. I don’t remember if they found anything, but I was sick and tired of being threatened. Kids would follow me home from school. I walked, and they knew where I lived. Kids would even scream horrible things and throw things out the bus window as it passed me on my way home… I very slowly became a very angry person from middle school through high school. The older I got, the less I cared… I was a failure, I would never amount to anything, no one saw the potential, I wasn’t worth investing in. I was discarded before being given an opportunity. I never had an opportunity to show my worth.
I remember I had a male friend. (Honest friend, I trusted) walk me home because I was afraid of being in a confrontation. My dad got off work early that day and noticed me walking home. He stopped, right there in the middle of the road, told me to get in the car, and drove home. As soon as we get into the house, he starts berating me about why I was walking home with some guy. He pushed me up against the living room wall and blocked me. (He wasn’t going to let me leave until he made me cry, or I submitted)
I told him it was for protection, that I was being threatened at school, and a friend was kind enough to walk with me, he lived on the other side of the neighborhood anyway. My dad shocked me completely by saying, “What does he want in return for walking you home”? He called me a whore, and accused me of sleeping around, and it tore me apart, because I was not like that in any sense. I didn’t like physical contact, and I didn’t try to bring attention to myself like that.
My dad would often do that, accuse me of sleeping around, and making me feel even more disgusted with myself, and it wasn’t until later, I realized, he was the only one “allowed” to touch me, no one else. I was his property…
This is relevant, because it didn’t matter, I wasn’t worth anything but a plaything at home, and the fall girl at school. No one cared. At the time, there were very few, maybe only one person I trusted to be friends with, and we are still friends today.